Chanakya Niti: how to steady yourself after being betrayed by someone close

A wound from someone close often stings more, because trust runs deepest at such a time. It is hard to make sense of a change in attitude from a friend, relative or loved one to whom we freely confided our thoughts. Anger, grief and a desire for revenge can take hold of the mind together.

Chanakya Niti contains many teachings on relationships, trust and secrets. Here are the points from Chanakya worth remembering to steady yourself after being betrayed by someone close.

First, after a close person behaves badly, do not let your emotions push you into a decision you will regret later. When applying Chanakya Niti to everyday life, it should be read as advice and a traditional moral principle, not as a strict rule that fits every situation.

Do not expect too much from every relationship. Trust matters in relationships, but imposing every expectation on someone can add to the trouble. When the other person does not live up to our expectations, the hurt is greater. So treat your loved ones with affection and gentleness, but do not make your happiness depend entirely on their behaviour. This does not mean you should not trust relationships at all. The point is to keep a balance between the other person's behaviour and your own expectations.

Do not share your personal matters with others. Chanakya Niti places special emphasis on keeping secrets. One saying warns that a friend may reveal a secret when angry. In today's times, this can be taken to mean that personal troubles, money matters, domestic quarrels, sensitive information such as passwords, or future plans should not be shared with everyone. However close the relationship, it is wise to keep some things to yourself.

If you are hurt, do not respond immediately. The first reaction after a betrayal is often anger. Rather than hitting back at once or digging up old matters, it may be better to take some time. Once calm, try to understand what actually happened and what limits should be set going forward. Sometimes a little time helps tell an emotional reaction from a considered decision.

Do not ignore behaviour that keeps troubling you. Every relationship can have friction. But if someone keeps insulting you, uses your personal information against you or betrays you repeatedly, there is no need to dismiss it as merely your own problem. Options include talking it out, setting clear boundaries and, if necessary, keeping some distance. Distance does not always mean ending the relationship. Sometimes it simply means deciding how much latitude you want to give that person in your life.

Finally, focus on yourself before trying to change others. It is not easy to force a change in someone else's habits or thinking. Instead of spending all your time trying to change them, it may be more practical to concentrate on your studies, work, family and your own growth. Several modern texts based on Chanakya Niti also stress recognising selfish, deceitful or harmful behaviour and staying alert to it.

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